to look back on

today is march 10th, 2014.

I am feeling at a low point with my body.

i weigh 140 lbs. while not technically overweight for my height, this is the most i've ever weighed and i feel like an elephant. I do have more muscle than I have in the past, and I can do things I haven't been able to do- like go on 8 mile walks with bethany or do 6 miles of rollerblading and not be sore the next day- or do weight-training consistently. I can run three miles and it's not a huge deal.

but still. I can't get past that number. I cannot get pregnant in 5 months starting at this weight- it feels huge. and what is worse is that most of my pants are fitting tightly- actually all of them. i have gained ten pounds in 7 months- that can't be normal. a few weeks ago some students asked if i was pregnant. and then the worst part was when i posted that on facebook, people just said 'that happened to me too' and it was all people who are not skinny. no one said, 'what? no way!' i am no longer the skinny girl. that's ok, i guess, since i hardly was. jenny always has been. i have only been skinny from after college until we moved here- 5 years total. but i got really used to it. i liked being a size 4- sometimes a size 2. i liked being 125 lbs. i knew 118 was too skinny when spencer and i got married, but i was also working at fleming's and walking quickly for 5 hours a day.

i know i get less sleep now and these last three years have been really stressful. the thing that gets me is that this year has been really great. and i have been working really hard at getting 8 hours of sleep, drinking water, eating more fruits and veggies, exercising. i know i have been drinking more the last three years - and i need to cut back. for lent, i am not watching tv during the week, because i think i eat out of boredom- and there are so many other things i could be doing like reading, writing letters, hanging out with spencer, etc- and sitting in front of the tv just leads to eating popcorn and drinking bourbon. so i have cut out tv during the week and all alcohol but 5 oz of wine with dinner.

i am also going to get my new iphone soon- spencer will order it today. it has an app to track all your food and jon said that worked for him.

i am also getting a body composition test at U of M this week. I am scared to know how much fat I have, but it is a good goal to get that down, instead of focusing on weight or size. I am trying to care about getting rid of fat and cellulite, and whatever size and weight that makes me, so be it. But it is hard. i liked being boy shaped and slender. I liked people confusing me and hayley- that hasn't happened this year at all- probably not because i got giant, but because now they can tell us apart, but still. it doesn't help. pencil skirts used to be a favourite and now they just make me feel really pudgy. and the cellulite on the backs of my arms makes me want to stay in sweaters year-round.

If I could just be toned and not have visible cellulite, I would be content. I think. I want to feel light and free. I want to have my clothes fit well. i do like the curves I have, but I don't want bumps. I want to look good from the side and back- not just the front. I want to sit down in shorts and not put my hands along my legs so people don't see cellulite. I also hate the veins on my legs, but that will take going to  a doctor. I want to have my flat tummy back- I hardly ever have front tummy fat, but I have had this bulge for the last year that won't go away.

I want to have toned arms, and have a slender, toned back. I love my back.

I want to be more flexible.

I want to be able to do a real push-up, and eventually a pull-up.

I want to be able to bench press 70 lbs, and do those leg machines with 70 or 80 lbs.

I want visible quad muscles if I slightly bend my knees.

I want toned calves.

I want to wear a bra or bikini top with no bulge on the sides.

I want to have a waist. I want to be one size on size charts- not in 2 or 3 because my hips and waist are big but my chest isn't.

I want to sleep and not be exhausted. this makes me question whether I can teach long-term, because i am becoming square shaped like all the middle aged female teachers around me. bleah.

I want to feel energetic.

I want to look better AFTER I have a second baby than I do right now.

I want to think at 35 'damn! I never thought I'd look this good'

I want to decrease my fat % to a lean amount- not a crazy olympic athlete amount, but pretty lean. I want to learn what a good fat % and muscle % is for a 30 year old woman.

I want to stop eating out of boredom or even as fun or relaxation. That will take a lot of retraining.

I want to learn to cook a lot of veggies that i don't know how to cook.

I want more free time after school. like next year to come home at 2:30 and work out and cook dinner and not feel tired. I want school to start at 8- that would be a miracle!!!!

I want to not think about my body because I am thankful for it, but also it is in good shape and I don't think about sizes or weights, but just strength, toning, and what my body can do.

I am not there. I am not even sure I can be there. But I wanted to write this so that if one day I do get there, I can remember what it felt like to be here.