to look back on

today is march 10th, 2014.

I am feeling at a low point with my body.

i weigh 140 lbs. while not technically overweight for my height, this is the most i've ever weighed and i feel like an elephant. I do have more muscle than I have in the past, and I can do things I haven't been able to do- like go on 8 mile walks with bethany or do 6 miles of rollerblading and not be sore the next day- or do weight-training consistently. I can run three miles and it's not a huge deal.

but still. I can't get past that number. I cannot get pregnant in 5 months starting at this weight- it feels huge. and what is worse is that most of my pants are fitting tightly- actually all of them. i have gained ten pounds in 7 months- that can't be normal. a few weeks ago some students asked if i was pregnant. and then the worst part was when i posted that on facebook, people just said 'that happened to me too' and it was all people who are not skinny. no one said, 'what? no way!' i am no longer the skinny girl. that's ok, i guess, since i hardly was. jenny always has been. i have only been skinny from after college until we moved here- 5 years total. but i got really used to it. i liked being a size 4- sometimes a size 2. i liked being 125 lbs. i knew 118 was too skinny when spencer and i got married, but i was also working at fleming's and walking quickly for 5 hours a day.

i know i get less sleep now and these last three years have been really stressful. the thing that gets me is that this year has been really great. and i have been working really hard at getting 8 hours of sleep, drinking water, eating more fruits and veggies, exercising. i know i have been drinking more the last three years - and i need to cut back. for lent, i am not watching tv during the week, because i think i eat out of boredom- and there are so many other things i could be doing like reading, writing letters, hanging out with spencer, etc- and sitting in front of the tv just leads to eating popcorn and drinking bourbon. so i have cut out tv during the week and all alcohol but 5 oz of wine with dinner.

i am also going to get my new iphone soon- spencer will order it today. it has an app to track all your food and jon said that worked for him.

i am also getting a body composition test at U of M this week. I am scared to know how much fat I have, but it is a good goal to get that down, instead of focusing on weight or size. I am trying to care about getting rid of fat and cellulite, and whatever size and weight that makes me, so be it. But it is hard. i liked being boy shaped and slender. I liked people confusing me and hayley- that hasn't happened this year at all- probably not because i got giant, but because now they can tell us apart, but still. it doesn't help. pencil skirts used to be a favourite and now they just make me feel really pudgy. and the cellulite on the backs of my arms makes me want to stay in sweaters year-round.

If I could just be toned and not have visible cellulite, I would be content. I think. I want to feel light and free. I want to have my clothes fit well. i do like the curves I have, but I don't want bumps. I want to look good from the side and back- not just the front. I want to sit down in shorts and not put my hands along my legs so people don't see cellulite. I also hate the veins on my legs, but that will take going to  a doctor. I want to have my flat tummy back- I hardly ever have front tummy fat, but I have had this bulge for the last year that won't go away.

I want to have toned arms, and have a slender, toned back. I love my back.

I want to be more flexible.

I want to be able to do a real push-up, and eventually a pull-up.

I want to be able to bench press 70 lbs, and do those leg machines with 70 or 80 lbs.

I want visible quad muscles if I slightly bend my knees.

I want toned calves.

I want to wear a bra or bikini top with no bulge on the sides.

I want to have a waist. I want to be one size on size charts- not in 2 or 3 because my hips and waist are big but my chest isn't.

I want to sleep and not be exhausted. this makes me question whether I can teach long-term, because i am becoming square shaped like all the middle aged female teachers around me. bleah.

I want to feel energetic.

I want to look better AFTER I have a second baby than I do right now.

I want to think at 35 'damn! I never thought I'd look this good'

I want to decrease my fat % to a lean amount- not a crazy olympic athlete amount, but pretty lean. I want to learn what a good fat % and muscle % is for a 30 year old woman.

I want to stop eating out of boredom or even as fun or relaxation. That will take a lot of retraining.

I want to learn to cook a lot of veggies that i don't know how to cook.

I want more free time after school. like next year to come home at 2:30 and work out and cook dinner and not feel tired. I want school to start at 8- that would be a miracle!!!!

I want to not think about my body because I am thankful for it, but also it is in good shape and I don't think about sizes or weights, but just strength, toning, and what my body can do.

I am not there. I am not even sure I can be there. But I wanted to write this so that if one day I do get there, I can remember what it felt like to be here.

monday, july 30th

I have been busy this weekend planning for my classroom. I will track backwards for my workouts since it's easier to remember. Tonight I went to the workout room and did a hill climb on the bike for about 20 minutes. It was really hard- I was pushing on my legs with my hands at the end. But then I did 2 sets of 100 jumps with a jumprope and then my new arm weight lifting routine- 2 sets of each of those 6 moves. It was really tiring but I am glad I did it.

Yesterday, I was mentally and emotionally drained but I wanted to be outside so I went to Shelby Farms with bethany and walked on a new path that I haven't been on before. It was soooo great. I just was soaking in the green trees and tall grasses and the ponds- I can't wait to go kayaking one weekend. We just talked and talked and that was theraputic too. I really value bethany's friendship- the honesty and openness about what God is doing in our lives. I am so thankful for her. We walked for probably an hour and a half at a really fast pace- it was so great. Oddly, my legs were not tired- it was just so great to walk. I was really fatigued from being on my period, but it was exactly what I needed to be energized and relaxed at the same time.

For food, I have been doing pretty good lately. Had 2 mini chicken biscuits from chik-fil-a today at in-service. I am turning southern because it was gooood.

tomorrow will be a long day at work- 8am to 9pm basically so I won't exercise. But then I can the rest of the week.

foodstuffs

I thought I might make this a food journal too, since they say if you know you have to write down what you eat, you will eat better.

yesterday:
oatmeal with granola/brown sugar/milk/cinnamon, grapefruit juice, coffee
water
leftover stirfry (veggies only) and brown rice, piled on top of 1 cup of mixed greens. I can make myself eat lettuce this way;)
water
oikos blueberry yogurt with granola
iced tea
spinach&walnut pesto pasta with bacon, sundried tomatoes and sauteed mushrooms and onions
white wine
about ten acai/blueberry chocolates

today:
oatmeal, juice, coffee
more coffee and 1 slice of honeydew at mtr
oatmeal square bar
water
almonds- 20?
green apple (most of it- semi-mushy;()
tuna melt (cheddar) on 2 slices of nutty omega-3 bread
water
bbq (6 oz?) with sauce, beans, chips and guac, water

I resisted soda, ice cream bars, and most of the chips and guac while at a kingsbury dinner for mtr. I also did not eat the bun for the bbq, but that is easy because I hate white hamburger buns and then I can eat more bbq!

cheating

yesterday I did not work out- I was really tired and also felt semi-sick in the afternoon. I thought maybe I should just rest.
Today, however, I needed to start my week off right and get back in there. It's funny how when you don't work out, you don't want to work out and when you do, you are excited to more and more consistently. I was at the point before we went to California of missing my workout and wanting to go running if I missed a day... that's never happened before.

So today I did 20 minutes at level 8 on the eliptical machine which burned 200 calories (although that is probably high since I didn't set my own info and I think it defaults to 150 lbs.). As I was doing that, a girl who was really tiny but like pure muscle was on the treadmill. Then she got off and starting lifting weights for an arm workout. Woohoo! I decided to watch her and see if I could learn anything new and I did! She basically did 10 reps of everything (20 if both arms were doing it, so that it was 10 per arm) and it was only 5 moves. Here is what she did (and what I immediately did after she left and I was done with my cardio):

10 side lifts (arms straight out to sides- lift to shoulder height and lower) with 5 lb weights.

10 overhead lifts (not sure what they are called- 10lb weight in each hand at shoulder height with palms facing in- then lift and rotate hands so they are facing forward until arms are straight above your head)
20 alternating bicep curls- but she turned her hand as she went so they started arms to sides dumbbells parallel to body, then twist your arm as you lift toward chest so that the dumbbell is laying flat against your chest)

switch back to 5 lb weights (this one was new and so cool!) then lift arms straight out in front of you like a zombie and in one fluid motion move them out to the side and then lower to your sides- kind of like a hummingbird or a swimmer? - she did 10 reps and MAN is this hard!

Switch back to 10 lb weights and then do 20 (because both arms are together) tricep dips behind your head- raising the dumbbell up to arms extended and back down behind neck).

THEN REVERSE and do the whole thing again, backwards.

The only move that actually reverses is the butterfly lift - this time you start with arms at sides- lift straight up to side and then move them forward and lower them down in front of you.

I also saw one move that a guy was doing, so I stole that and added it. With 5 lb weights in each hand, lift arms in front of you with arms at a 90 degree angle from your body with elbows bent 90 degrees (so you have a baseball diamond shape with your arms in front of your chest). Then pull arms out to side, keeping the angle in your elbows (there is a machine that does this at the gym- I just don't know what it's called) until your arms are straight in line with your back from one elbow to the other. The hard part is keeping your arms up parallel to the floor. I had to do 5 and then 5.

My arms are probably going to be dead tomorrow, but it was great.

day 2

yesterday, I blogged for the first time on here in a long, long time. I talked about my goals for fitness and eating, that I want to eat lots of veggies, and try new things, like this kale salad recipe my sister gave me. I also said I wanted to be more lean- losing fat and building muscle, so that I would be in better shape overall. I had been doing strength training a few times a week pretty consistently over the last six months, so I want to keep this up, perhaps even increasing it to do some strength and cardio 5 days a week. I really want to do something more fun and for a longer amount of time once a week- like kayak at shelby farms, or go hiking at meeman shelby state park. I would love to take ballroom/swing dance lessons with spencer this year, too. We've talked about doing that for awhile now, and in a month, with my giant teacher's salary (it is huge to us), we will finally be able to do that.

here are my current measurements from yesterday:
bicep:11.5
forearm: 9.25
chest: 34
waist: 28
hips: 39.5
thigh: 22
calf: 13.5

I would like to ideally lose ten inches overall, and I also want to add lower abdomen to that since that is where I carry weight. I'd like to be at 10 biceps, 26 waist, 37 hips and 20 thighs. I am not sure that those are completely reasonable measurements for me, but I think it is a good goal for now.

my 30th year

yesterday I turned 29.
I have some 'get in shape' goals that I've been working on the last couple months and want to really focus on this year.
currently, I weigh 132 lbs. I have more muscle (I assume because I've done more weight training) than I ever have, but I am also rounder and more curvy than I have been- because of stress of the last year with mtr and because I am not a server who walk-runs for 6 hours a night now. drat!

I would like to lose some body fat, which really means I'd have to have it measured somewhere to know what it currently is. But what I can do is measure inches. I would like to lose about ten inches overall- that may be a bit optimistic, but I think I can do it.
I don't really have a weight goal because I know some of my weight gain is muscle and that is better for me, especially since women start losing muscle mass over age 20 or 25.
with food goals, I would like to eat a lot more veggies than I currently do. and experiment more with new foods- kale, brussels sprouts, okra since we're in the south now....

next post I will put my measurements in

wed oct 13th

went on bump n grind with laurie and her friend nadia today. KILLER! It was good though, aside from being too hot and sunny out. We went up the hardest way- which has a short but nearly vertical assent. We didn't make it to the top, but turned to go down the back way. Nadia was overheating, and we were tired too. I am sore, but not as bad as I thought I would be. I am excited to try it again!

Haven't been eating as well this week- only one salad for dinner, other nights- fish tacos (good but I had white wine), pizza - spencer was sick, and more white wine, and chinese food with sarita and spencer's family monday night. I have to say visiting friends/family= lots of eating out, most of it not healthy. During the day, though, I've been doing pretty good. fruit smoothies from starbucks- I know it's a lot of sugar, but it's fruit and I have been exercising- eggs and toast, cheese or apples and pb for snacks, water. I probably should be eating giant salads for lunch. That will be my goal next week: 3 salads.

Today I will mow the lawn at my parents and also hopefully go workout for 45 in the workout room. - OH! Sunday night, spencer and I did go 40  minutes on the treadmill. Monday I didn't exercise, nor Tuesday, nor thursday. nor nor nor. sigh.